The Marauders' Guide to Girls
by Bookluver1999
Summary: SB: Well obviously I, Sirius Back, know a lot about girls. So I decided to help out every other boy at Hogwarts by writing this book. / JP: Ehhemmm. / SB: With the help of my trusty sidekicks Moony and Prongs. We are the marauders and this is "The Marauders' Guide to Girls", as written by a dictation quill.
1. Introduction

**AN: Hello readers! This is just for a bit of fun so there probably won't be any regular updates. There also isn't any particular plot, but who knows, it may develop into something. You may recognise this if you've read 'Outside the Story'. I decided that I would turn it into it's own thing. No prior knowledge** **necessary. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Introduction**

SB: Well obviously I, Sirius Back, know a lot about girls. So I decided to help out every other boy at Hogwarts by writing this book.

JP: Ehhemmm.

SB: With the help of my trusty sidekicks Moony and Prongs.

RL: Hey!, JP: Oi!

SB: We are the marauders and this is 'The Marauders Guide to Girls', as written by a dictation quill.

RL: Hey why isn't Peter here?

JP: Please, Reemy, Pete doesn't know the first thing about women.

RL: And you do?

JP: Of course. Have you not seen how Evans fawns over me.

RL: James, Lily hates your guts.

JP: She does not!

RL: Yes she does.

SB: Now, now fellas. No fighting.

JP: ...

SB: James, stop scowling at Moony.

JP: Hummmph.

SB: Anyway, we are going to let you dip into some of our vast knowledge of girls and help you-

RL: Wait a minute, why am I here?

JP: Yes, why is he here? He clearly knows nothing about women.

RL: Hey! just because Lily can't stand you, it doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.

JP: You're WRONG! Evans loves me!

SB: No she doesn't Prongs. Moony, you're here because you're sensitive and girls like that kind of crap.

JP: ...

RL: James, stop scowling at Padfoot.

JP: Hummmph

SB: Now in this book we are going to record everything we know about girls, good and bad experiences with girls, and advice for getting the girl you want. We are about to share with you all the secrets of-

PP: Hey guys! What are you doing?

SB: Nothing Peter!, JP: What? We're not doing anything!, RL: Absolutely nothing of interest or value.

SB: Wait, what do you mean by that Moony?!

RL: Nothing, nothing at all.

PP: I'm just gonna go...

SB: Okay back to what I was saying,-

RL, JP: Uurgghhhh!

SB: Oi!

RL: I think this introduction is long enough already.

SB: Fine. On with the book.


	2. Part One

**Part One: The Four Main Species of Girl**

SB: While all girls are different, I have found that you can separate most of them into four main species of girl.

RL: Isn't that a bit sexist and condescending?

SB: Well I do like sex.

RL: That is not what sexist means.

JP: Just let it go Moony. The elusive Sirius Black is an illiterate and simpleminded species.

SB: I don't know what that means but it sounded like you were mocking me.

JP: Oh not at all, Padfoot.

SB: As I was saying there are four species of girl. First we have the smart but stubborn girls with sharp tempers like Lily Evans. Once these girls form opinions of you it is very hard to break. They rely mostly on first impressions when judging character so it is vital you make a good one.

RL: Unfortunately for Prongs here, he made a very bad first impression, so Lily hates him.

JP: Stop saying she hates me!

SB: I don't understand how he could still be in denial about this.

RL: Exactly! You'd think he would have noticed that she would rather kiss the giant squid. It fact I'm certain she's told him that a few times.

JP: Stop talking about me like I'm not here!

SB: It's like he can't hear or something. She tells him she hates him twice a day.

RL: I know.

JP: ...

RL, SB: James, stop scowling at us.

JP: Hummmph

SB: The second species of girl is the shallow and obnoxious kind. These girls tend to be the hottest but they're not the kind for long term relationships. They're just great for quick snogs.

RL: You really shouldn't talk about girls like they're objects. If you weren't so 'hot' no girl would touch you with a ten foot pole because you're such a prick and even now you only attract the second species.

SB: Ha! You admit girls are species!

RL: Is that the only thing you picked up from what I just said?!

JP: Don't even try Moony, it's not worth it. Sirius will never understand what it means to truly be in love like Evans and I.

RL: James, Lily ha- Oh I give up.

SB: The key to the second species of girl is to insult them. If you lower their self esteem and act like they're lucky you're interested, they will eventually fall into the palm of your hand.

RL: That's awful Sirius!

JP: Yeah, even I know that's bad.

SB: The third species of girl is the tough, intuitive kind who you know could very well hex your balls off. This kind of girl has usually been hurt before so you need to be supportive and friendly-

RL: That actually wasn't completely offensive. Well done.

SB:-Then it's much easier to get into her pants.

RL: Urgghhh!

JP: Remus, why did you just hit your forehead with the palm of your hand?

RL: It doesn't matter, James.

SB: Once you're a friend you need to make your interest very obvious, but you need to do it gradually otherwise they might freak out and reject you. Remus is currently friends with several girls he could get in the pants of but he thinks being a werew- being slightly different means he can't have a girlfriend.

RL: You are so annoying, Black.

SB: The fourth species of girl is the bubbly, sweet and girly kind. They're relatively easy to impress with flowers and candies.

RL: I'm really regretting doing this book with you guys.

SB: Stop being so moody, Moony.

JP: Yeah, don't be like that. We create more of an overarching understanding with all three of us and our vast knowledge.

SB: I'm not sure what that means but it sounded good.

JP: Besides, do you really want to leave Sirius to say whatever he wants, then give the book to impressionable first years. You can't possible let that happen in good conscience.

RL: Fair point.

SB: Hey! I'll have you know that any first year would be lucky to receive advice from yours truly.

RL: Doubtful. It'll probably just get them slapped.


	3. Part Two

**Part Two: Gifts**

SB: One thing that is almost guaranteed to get a girl's attention is a gift.

RL: So even the great Sirius Black needed cheap tricks to get a girl's attention?

SB: There is no need to be so sarcastic, Reemy.

JP: Wow. Good job, Sirius. You actually picked up the sarcasm this time.

SB: Thank you, my friend.

RL: Now he just needs to work on realising when people are patronising him.

JP: Baby steps, Moony. Let him have his moment.

SB: Hey!

RL: Finally caught on, have you?

SB: Forget you guys! Back to the book.

RL: By all means, continue.

SB: A gift isn't the only way to charm a girl, of course. However, gathering a couple of flowers or buying a simple box of chocolates takes the least amount of effort.

JP: So I should get Evans lilies!

RL: Just because her name is Lily, it doesn't mean she has to like lilies.

JP: So I should get her roses?

SB: You could, but she'd probably still hate you.

JP: She doesn't hate me!

RL: What? So her calling you an arrogant toe rag and telling you to jump off the Astronomy Tower is her playing hard to get?

JP: Of course.

RL:…

JP: Why did you slap your forehead again, Moony?

SB: He does that a lot.

RL: I don't think anyone reading this will wonder why.

PP: Hey, have you guys done that potions essay due on Friday because I need help with the—

SB: Wormtail! Don't just barge in like that.

PP: Umm. This is my dorm room too, guys.

JP: You should still knock before you walk in.

PP: Since when have any of us ever knocked?

SB: Since now!

RL: Ignore the idiots, Peter. They're just being hormonal.

JP: Oi!, SB: Huh?

PP: You guys are being weird again so…I'll be in the common room.

SB: Well now that he's gone, we can get back on topic.

RL: It's not like we were on topic before he got here either.

SB: Shut up, Moony. You're killing the mood…Hey! Don't roll your eyes!

RL: Sorry, oh wise one. Please continue to enlighten us with your intelligence and literacy.

SB: Good to see you're finally coming around. Anyway, if you don't want to spend your money on flowers and chocolates, not only does Hogwarts have wild flowers growing in a few places, but there are also several spells to transfigure sticks into flowers.

JP: Which spells?

SB: I don't know. It'll probably be in a book somewhere. I've never needed to know those spells because birds are always throwing themselves at me no matter what I do.

RL: Did Sirius Black just tell someone to consult a book?

JP: Guys! This is serious. What spells can I use to make Evans flowers?

SB: No, I'm Sirius.

RL: James, I thought we agreed not to set Sirius up for any more of those terrible puns after third year.

JP: Well I didn't do it on purpose!

SB: You guys agreed that?! You are now Black-listed!

RL: Are you done with the terrible puns now.

SB: Just for the foreseeable future.

RL: Big word, Sirius. Good job.

SB: Why, thank you, my friend. Anyway, James, it won't matter if you get Evans flowers. She'll still hate you.

JP:…

RL: James, stop scowling at Sirius.


	4. Part Three

**Part Three: Pick Up Lines**

SB: Another easy way to get a girl's attention is a good pick up line.

RL: I'm sorry to tell you this, Sirius, but there is no such thing as a good pick up line.

SB: Oh, Moony, you're so close minded.

RL: Fine. Give me an example of a good pick up line.

SB: Did you survive the Avada Kadavra? Because you're drop dead gorgeous.

RL: Really, Sirius? Really?

SB: Oh I have more. I wanna open you wide like a book in the restricted section!

JP: I don't think you could use that one, Padfoot. Everyone knows you don't read.

SB: I don't need accio to make you come.

JP: Do these actually work?

SB: Of course!, RL: Of course not!

JP: I'll be right back.

RL: This can't be good.

SB:….

RL:….

JP: You were right, Padfoot! Evans loved it!

RL, SB: She what?!

JP: She even reached for my hand. Only she missed and accidentally hit me in the face. Then she was so embarrassed by her mistake than she stormed up to the girls dorms.

RL: There are so many things I can say to that…

SB: Let's just let him have this moment and explain it to him later.

RL: I don't even understand how he misunderstood in the first place.

JP: What are you guys talking about?

RL, SB: Nothing.

PP: Guys! What did James say to Evans to get her to slap him in the face like that?

JP: She didn't slap me! And what did we say about knocking.

PP: But none of you ever knock!

SB: Why must you always kick up such a fuss, Wormtail.

PP: But I—But…

RL: Sorry, Peter. It's probably better if you leave the idiots to their own devices and don't ask questions.

PP: Right then. I'll go. Oh and James, Evans did slap you.

JP:…

RL: You know you're just scowling at a closed door, James.

SB: Okay, he's gone, so back to the topic at hand. Pick up lines will work 64% of the time, depending on the girl and the line.

RL: There is no way you didn't just make up that percentage.

SB: Actually no. You see I have this book where I record all the girls I've picked up and how.

JP: That's no surprise at all.

RL: Considering it's a book, I can almost be a little surprised.

SB: Anyway, guys! When thinking up pick up lines, it's important to be creative. Any girl with a good sense of humour will appreciate something creative and amusing.

RL: Or they will back away slowly.

JP: Or apparently slap you.

RL: So you've finally exited the misleading river that is the Nile.

SB: Huh? James was in a river?

JP: Why did you bring up that river in Egypt? I suppose my parents did take me there last summer, but I never went in it.

RL: Never mind.

SB: Any way, James. It's good to see you are no longer in denial.

JP: Oooooh. I get it now. But I thought we agreed no puns.

SB: What? What do you get?!

RL: No, we agreed no puns to do with Sirius' name.

SB: What are you guys talking about?!

JP: It doesn't matter, Padfoot.

SB: You guys are always keeping secrets from me.

RL: Not wanting to explain everything to your substandard brain is hardly keeping secrets. Most people could easily figure out what we were saying.

SB:…

JP: Oh don't give us the puppy dog eyes. I became immune to them after third year.

SB:…

RL: Be strong, James. You can fight it.

SB:…

JP: Oh, fine! I'll explain it to you. Just stop! I can't take it anymore.

SB: Yay!

RL: You are weak, Prongs. Weak.


End file.
